Do you hold open the door?🚪✨ Transcript to I Feel For You podcast episode 54

Queen Tina Turner holding open the door (ok archway, whatever, peep her eleganza!)

if you’d prefer to listen, you can here!

I used to work in a shop every Saturday, Sunday and weekday evenings from the age of 11. It was a shop that sold all kinds of things. Rice. White sugar. Brown sugar. Flour. Saltfish. Glass bottled sodas. Cooking oil. Soap. Blu (which is a kind of soap from years passed link). Rum. Corn curls (which were an Eastern Caribbean version of Wotsit crisps or cheese puffs). One brand of toothpaste. Lentils. Frozen chicken wings and thighs. Butter in brown baking paper. Yeast. and more.

I weighed out loose ingredients on the old-school Salter scales, learning how to  using weights to measure the ingredients and jotted sums on the a3 paper that was part maths pad-part receipt- and part wrapping tool. I loved the action of pouring the varying textures of the items into paper bags, sealing them well (so sugar ants wouldn’t get a look in!) and preparing someone’s shopping list as they looked on, satisfied with my swift and diligent work. 

I quickly adapted and got familiar with the beautifully designed currency of the Eastern Caribbean dollar with squiggly 5-cent pieces which were my favourite. Adjusted too, to varying measurements in kilograms and pounds. Litres and pints. All of these tasks were also useful for my studies at school. 

And this job also paid and my way to support the household, it covered the costs for my food and also for my bus to school. Said bus was actually a van which was how most people got around the island. An hour a day to ride to the capital, Kingstown, where i went to school. 

I became, at age 11, acutely aware of colourism. After arriving from the UK and my entire childhood haunted by racism from going to all-white schools, and bullying for being a n*gger, a p*cki, and insert all kinds of racist slurs here that range countries and ethnic groups as well as religions  — Sidetone, being called a “buddha” as a slur was surely an example of the best, most ignorant jibe, and i recall laughing at the girl who delivered it in the playground in front of all her other apparently cool and popular friends who were all in the upper years, hungrily awaiting my crumble. 

I, thanking her, purposefully making my smile as wide as could be, and asked if she was sure she didn’t want to add any other denomination of religion to the group of ethnicities and faiths she articulated so passionately? It wasn’t an insult to me… to which she flushed and spat and screamed in fury - she had no comeback. And her so called “popular mates” looked embarrassed for her, also unexpected in realising “the weirdo brown girl” had a point that they didn’t quite understand either.  

I get it. i was mocking her ignorance. i think she deserved it tho…..

anyway.

Back to the bus. which was a van. which was a kind of a silver grey-mobile entitled Isolita. Scribed in red paint on the front of the bus. See, each bus - come - van had an identity of their own. Beautiful artwork to seal that identity of each vehicle, and if there were funds, the interiors also upholstered in brand colours.

The vans i wanted to travel in had dark windows and ridiculous sound systems you’d hear before you saw, coming via the mountains, signaling that your ride was on the way.

Isolita, had neither. It was a sensible van. Smart and functional. Respectable, i guess...? Branding is important, huh? 

So, one time, Isolita didn’t show up. not uncommon. The driver was kind of on his own schedule, and i’d often be waiting in the capital, with a back up dollar if it got too late (so i could get another ride, and i needed to get back to work a shift in the shop). So i pulled over one of the “cool” vans. i went to find a seat but it was full. So full. Which wasn’t unusual. these vans were people carriers. And at rush hour, it wasn’t uncommon to see the full to capacity vans passing by, bums hanging out of windows cause people were packed in so tight, any body part sought out viable space. 

So i stood, in that full van. And immediately the young conductor asked a dark skinned elder to stand so i could sit.
I looked at him incredulously-

“What? no! i won’t! i shan’t!”

The woman skulked out of the way to crouch near the floor. She had clearly done this before.

“Why should i get a seat and not her?!”

I was horrified and back then a little less fearless to run my mouth, so i gave him and the van a talking to, a whole audience, cause no one said a word. I chose to leave the seat empty, instead, huddling in a corner and urgently pleaded with the woman to take the seat. 

The woman sat back down and made eye contact with me. i felt embarrassed and ashamed.

How dare i get to take her place. 

How dare i receive privilege because of being light skinned / clear / red (or “white girl” as i was called)?!

It was my introduction to a world where i had always been at the receiving end of racism whilst living in white spaces, yet waking up to realise that there were people had it worse than me. And it was my responsibility to do something about it. 

It makes no sense to me that the world we live in still affords entitlement to some over Others based on skin colour and hair texture. I am also shocked that being on “both sides”, experiencing hatred delivered from gangs of white racists, and yet being the “preferred black” (ridiculousness alert but colonialism is at the root of colourism) and thus receiver of benefits over someone darker skinned than i. I understand the pain of observing when nobody steps in, has your back, or challenges the status quo.

I’ve been in so many situations for example, working in Norway in a coffee shop where a guy walked in and just called me a “n#gger” and nobody did anything. in fact, they did do something- they all looked away. The whole cafe was packed full. i was on my own. I looked around, pleading with people to help me and nobody did. They decided that their comfort was more important than actually standing up and doing something. They were more content to be comfortable and apathetic.

And these are the people who frighten me the most.
These are the people who deem themselves “liberal” and living within a progressive society and yet do nothing because they see that “rocking the boat” is somehow “confrontational” ….and confronting things is “bad”. And the people that are trying to demand justice and take action in the world? Well, they are painted as criminals which is wild to me, as i think so much of this behaviour is rooted in is rooted in those who have privilege, white privilege, knowing they don’t really want to surrender that position.

(case study - every white person who has dared me to take that “are you a racist?” Project implicit Harvard test to somehow prove my bias so they might declare “reverse racism” - lol. Oh, and spoiler alert, i have taken the test, numerous times out of raised eyebrow “wow, ok, a test, lol” and the result, “zero prejudice”)

And i have white privilege.
I have light skinned privilege…you know?
And this story is an example in action of me being on this bus, and being afforded certain privileges in plain sight.

This is not the kind of world i want to live in.

Almost 40 years of it and i can vouch that being at the brunt of white privilege is shit.

and benefitting from white privilege is also shit.

Either way we loose.

And we must do better.

So.

I am acutely aware of my responsibility to use my voice as a light skinned black womxn. “Mixed race”- whatever that actually means, because it literally means you don’t exist - lol. Cause race is not real. 

I have a responsibility to offer up my seat when i’m in a room where i hold privilege. pass the mic, if you prefer that phrase.

I feel very aware of knowing when i show up in my work, which tends to be mostly white dominant spaces in terms of “popularity” if you like, that by showing up in all those yoga teacher training rooms over the years and often, most of the time, like, 99% of the time, being “the only brown face”.
By djing in all white venues. by showing up for my clients being the only black coach/yoga teacher/womxn dj/ polymath they have met, i don’t like having to be an example for my race (i mean, as i said, race is a construct as we all know)

But i do know all of the shit i’ve been dealt from being the minority in white dominant spaces is to hopefully make it easier for those who come after me, so they hopefully do not feel as isolated.
So they hopefully feel as tokenised or objectified.
And hopefully, do not receive as much resistance.

I want us all to win.

And i especially am aware of my position, even though i’m still wading through the resistance, but there are others who are behind me - not in ranking, or trying to say i’m “better” or “advanced”, moreso, people wanting to step into industries that they don’t feel represented, according to the dominant ideologies at play that have often co-opted what is culturally known and felt to be theirs in the first place, case study: “wellness”.

I mean look at the wellness industry! Do we need to talk about it? I think you know what i’m talking about…

When we look at all of these trends, there’s a collective eyeroll from the diaspora when the next “trend” rolls into play, e.g. quinoa, coconut oil, body brushing, oil pulling, plant “medicine”, “spiritual practices”, shea, “natural products”, “natural hair”….. the list goes on and on and on. 

We’ve been doing this for time. this is stuff that my nan did, that i’ve grown up with yet somehow, it’s been coopted, sold on and people are making big profits from this. Yet when we were growing up, we were ridiculed for this stuff.

This is a whole thing, but i think you know what i mean. 

…And so, with all of that, holding space for it all, let’s take a deep breath.

cause it’s a LOT.

So here is my commitment, in case it wasn’t clear:

I will hold doors open.

Give up my seat.

Pass the mic.

For every time i’ve wished that someone would have done that for me on this journey,

I will show up and use my resistance to support Others.

To champion Black womxn. Indigenous womxn. QBIPOC. Two Spirit. Our Trans community. Our differently abled fam.

I’ll elevate the voices of Others. Not do it for them but hold space for them to speak for themselves.

Share their work. Tell them they are appreciated. Appreciate them in action. 

And for all the times my work has been secretly observed, copied, stolen, passed on etc. i’ve thought long and hard about why that happened but also, what could have been done differently.

How could (and can) people have passed the mic to me?

What could they have done better?

And here’s some things that i think could be useful:

So first of all, white people, i’m talking specifically to your experience now:

Who do you work with? Who are you friends with? 

Are you circles pure white?

If so, there’s a problem.

…and i’m not saying to go out and find some colour to “pepper and season up your life”.
“Spice up your life”, if you will….

i’m talking about asking questions, like, from the top down,  bottom up.

What is the problem? Why is it that you have no access to anyone who doesn’t look like you?

I’ve been in and worked within so many institutions that have this issue, and whenever i’ve raised questions, all i’ve had is white tears and been accused of being “too separatist”, being “too radical” for asking questions…..i find it wild and strange that it’s 2019 and very strange that places can exist and be completely white. 

so…next:

Listen to, hire, and PAY Black womxn.

If you are:

Benefitting,

Learning,

Getting access to,

Being informed about something,

….are you showing your appreciation?

i.e. are you paying for it?

Or are you just expecting Black womxn to give you free labour, emotional, physical, spiritual etc?

And tbh, there have been so many people who have done this to me over the years (and yeah, i’ve allowed it, white supremacy is one hellova system of power)

They will take and then expect me to keep giving for free, and then when it comes to asking for payment on something that is for sale, they are quick to say,
“it’s very expensive…”
“it’s too much”
They don’t want to pay for it.….which is quite insulting when you’ve had years of someone giving you free labour, free information, free access that you have benefitted from. And in many cases, made money from.

Because what it shows is that you expect that.

You see Black people as less and therefore that you should be entitled to receive that.

For free.

so.

Something to consider….

Also,

What are you doing to support the freedom of every body?

i don’t really like the word “ally” cause it feels a little bit passive and lazy to me as a sort of “i’m not racist” sash white people can wear to feel good and “saviourist” without really doing much at all. Stacy Dooley i’m looking at you using Black babies as props. A comic….but not relief. True tea. (insert age old weary sigh)

What are you doing in order to challenge racism?

What are you doing to dismantle white supremacy?

Look at how you’re benefitting from the system.

How can this be rebalanced in a meaningful way?

What and who are you offering reparations to?

What are you doing to dismantle this system where you benefit?

And you do, and if you don’t recognise that, then beloved, please, we need you to do some work, you need to start reading, looking at resources, and please know that over the years I’ve shared and pointed to so many resources and tools and people and offerings and folks you can hire to offer you that information.

So if you’re coming with “i don’t know where to look” or the tired “you should tell me what to do” then let’s start there. 

Google is free.

So go on with your bad self and start doing the work.

We need you to show up

We need you to pay attention 

We need you to listen

To not react and be defensive

And to check on that fragility. White fragility is more common than you think…

…and if you think you are “super liberal”, “super woke”, then i’d especially ask you to take a hard look cause often, in my experience, it seems those are the people who tend to be most “triggered” when i talk about this stuff….

so.

other ways to pass the mic, what have we got?

A list and summary of ideas

• Pay Black womxn, (you can donate to me here or check my ig Stories and account and references in blog posts + podcast episodes for many Others doing great work who are deserving of appreciation and coin)

• Listen to Black womxn

• Reparations

• Work on yourself

• Look around you

• Look at what the problem is

• Talk with your friends, talk with your other white friends about this

• Don’t expect Black womxn or Black people or Brown people to prop you up and support you with this journey. If you receive help, which you probably will do, don’t expect it and don’t take that for granted

• Do your own work

• Do your own research

• Don’t be afraid to mess up - you will (i will, we do, because we are human and this is what it is to learn). Dust yourself off and look for the learning moments.

• And please, show up. We need you. We’re tired.

i don’t want to speak for anyone actually, let me rephrase that:

• i’m tired.

so yeah.

How can we pass the mic?

…and i’m saying all of this stuff and can already feel the defensiveness so let me also remind you about this episode:

I’m talking about how I am committing to opening the door and this is a journey which is a continuous lifelong journey.
Mine began aged 11.
That doesn’t mean i’m any more “woke” than anybody else.
I’m absolutely on my own journey as are you so if its about comparing yourself and feeling that white guilt then, please, put that aside cause we need your focus and attention and your energy to be on the mission of working to dismantle the systems of power that are in place that mean that people, Black people in particular, are oppressed.
They are not afforded the same opportunities as you.
They are not paid the same.
Life is different.
Racism exists!
Welcome, 2019!
…in case you didn’t know already, lol!

so yeah… this was an episode…..

I could keep speaking on this, but feel i’m going to leave it there cause there’s lots to be looking at and exploring and getting on with…

i hope that it’s been useful for you.

I would love to know:

What are you committing to, to hold open the door for Others on the journey?

And to the Black womxn reading or listening, i’m interested in your experience in holding the door open!

Today, our Beloved Toni Morrison passed away and i’m thinking about what she speaks about in relationship to freedom, and how freedom really is how we hold space for Other people, we think about the people coming behind us, who’s coming through the door behind us.

So i’m wondering about your journey and experience, have you been the pioneer? Or have you found mentorship or Sisterhood or relationship with others who have held the door open? 

I would love to know about your stories.

So yeah.

dassit.

Hope there’s been something here.

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