festive blues and boundaries (coping strategies for hard times)
pensive j-lo
it’s ok to feel blue.
or unexcited about decorating a staircase with ribbons and trimmings.
to feel dread at the looming days before and after “xmas”.
to not even want to call it “xmas” or any other title because it feels just like any other day, yet not really, because there’s a whole heap of social mania and expectation around the 1, 2 or 3-day to week-long festivities that range in demand and expectation and call for some kind of bugle-fanfare announcement of your rituals and plans and pictures of your tree and things you’ve done and received, trophies of productivity and jollification of capitalism amongst other systems.
“can’t we just enjoy things?”
suuuuure!
listen….no shade to your tree or whatever gives you pleasure. i’m INTO maximum enjoyment, and whatever you celebrate, providing it’s not causing harm, which is a really difficult chew i recognise, thanks John Stuart Mill and many other ethics fans before.
i’m simply standing with those who find this time of year challenging, hard or painful for whatever reason. and perhaps not even this time of year, perhaps it’s any organised obligation to have “fun”, of which said “fun” is defined by a particular group of people in a dodgy power dynamic that bears no synchronicity to your experience of moving through the world, yet you’re challenged to stay quiet about it because, well, dominant culture prevails, right?
there are countless triggers for me at this time of year, including
the amplification of the normalisation of diet culture
weird-ass nationalism, imperialism, colonialism and their mate, white supremacy
the constant food and body references that jar this survivor of an eating disorder…which i think of as an addiction, which still triggers deep dark spaces 20 years later, if i’m out of balance
the daddy issues, family complications, mongrel child woes and the never not feeling Other, yet seeking this familiar territory of never fitting in
the missing of friends and family
the expectation to present as a “happy family” and consent to the rewriting of history as you know it for the sake of someone’s pride
the enforced ways of being, just because “that’s how we do things”
sitting at tables that feel like battle grounds inflicting wounds comprised of racial, homophobic, transphobic and fatphobic slurs
refraining from speaking your truth, yet still being labeled the “problematic one” and the “angry oversensitive troublemaker”
some who are overcome by ideas of kindness and humanity, making a temporary and conditional choice to be less of an arsehole because of a particular day, which feels…strange and false when it’s seemingly inaccessible at any other given point of the year
the hypocrisy of giving. to those who already have
the excess. the pointless and often meaningless gifts to mask disconnection
wrestling the anxiety and panic of my own money issues amidst a shame-soup of heightened rage in witnessing other people’s suffering, homelessness and hunger
……amongst other stuff.
i am of course a part of all of the above. i live in it, am a constant contradiction. and i am certainly the arsehole. i’ve never said any different (hey wait - don’t we all begin life as such?)
and of course, i shouldn’t need to say this but certainly, there are wonderful things that can occur for people at this time of year.
but if any of these tensions feel familiar, my offering is this:
do what you need to do to step back from the noise so you can listen to what your soul speaks. …i know that was a cheesy one from me, but i mean it.
practically though, i’m talking, i guess, about (re-) exploring boundaries.
don’t want to place yourself in positions of harm?
don’t.
i mean.
i’m talking about where you place yourself.
it’s a privilege to do this. for real. no doubt. so loudly and clearly honouring that.
and it’s not an easy thing to navigate but
to decide where, who and what you expose yourself to, when you’re feeling fragile and sad, can make a big difference.
removing yourself from situations might be an option for you.
avoiding situations that feel unsafe altogether could be another.
choosing environments that feel safe for you is recommended.
creating contingency plans to support yourself during triggering moments in places that don’t feel so safe is another (and i’m a BIG fan of this, shoutout to cognitive behavioural therapy even though just like most / every “western” approach, there are some issues i have with it, as in, it’s still a therapy like most therapies, delivered through a white supremacist lens which tends to see us being responsible for all the “problems” that exist, and fails to see the systemic issues that many underprivileged folks have to navigate every damn day)
however, some of these contingency plans could include things like:
removing yourself from the table.
going for a walk.
taking your time. your own time. from preparing yourself for your day, doing the things you need to do (movement, bathroom disco, food you like to eat, cat videos etc). to taking your time answering a question. we are likely to be able to meet others from our best selves when we aren’t in defence mode and reacting instantly to stimulus on demand. you have time.
practicing statements that help you get free, e.g.
“i would prefer if you didn’t ask me questions about when and if i am going to find a partner or have children / ridicule someone’s sexuality / make offensive comments about someone’s physicality / joke about this because it’s not funny to me, it’s harmful”
also
practicing saying “no” in various ways, like,
“i’d prefer not to”
“i have other plans”
“i’m choosing to do this instead”
“no” (also a complete sentence)
i guess, i’m hoping to encourage all of us to be honest with ourselves, and clear about what we need.
✨ boundaries are helpful for all of us. and protecting your mental, physical and spiritual health is vital. ✨
boundaries can sometimes trigger others, usually because they presume it’s an attack on them. a rejection of what they stand for and so on.
but the way i like to think of it is, boundaries are about you, holding space for yourself. standing in your own truth and integrity.
of course i’m not saying it’s “easy”. i mean, as i write this i’m already thinking of ways not to press publish on this piece just in case someone i care about thinks i’m referring to them personally in this piece and then gets upset….
- see? my automatic mechanism is wired to prioritise everyone else and give space to their feelings (even if they aren’t relevant) and to value them as more important than my own. the tendency to mute and protect and contort for others comfort no matter my own discomfort, walking on eggshells is the perfect example of my weak-ass boundaries in action. i’d rather worry just in case something is misinterpreted rather than speak my truth which is just as valid. know what i mean?
i hope it’s clear that i’m working this stuff.
boundaries can feel uncomfortable, particularly when you’re used to prioritising others needs, requests and demands first, or if you were never allowed to have them when you were younger. but with practice, we get to listen better and be clearer and thus more compassionate to ourselves and everyone around us. i’m still working on it, and guess i always will be, but i think it’s worth it, you know?
being clear about what we do and don’t stand for is liberating and healing.
i’d also add that exploring your own meaning to stuff like the “xmas” thing can be helpful. for example, doing stuff with intention that makes sense to you. what values, rituals and habits make sense? and what can be left behind (so you can use that energy on more of the good stuff eh?)
so, whatever you choose to celebrate (or not), may you feel free to protect your space, your health and your joy.
Let’s hold space for ourselves and for each other. ✨
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