Dealing with Darker Days + what feels alive today
It’s the winter solstice today. Potent and symbolic for various reasons universal and personal.
Standing in the shadows and seeing the sun doing it’s best to peek out from the clouds and we light candles and give thanks for what is revealed and welcome hope as a practice. Which is what a recent podcast was about so if that resonates, here it is > Holding hands with hope ☂️
But mainly wanted to reshare this episode (below) which is a repost of an oldie but hopefully goldie, as a few of you reached out to tell me it’s helped you a lot lately. I’m very grateful for that - and hope it can support others on the journey. So please, if you dig this show or episode, share it with those you think might think dig it too. i always appreciate your kind words, resonance and conversation, and in a week where there has been so much loss, i will not only continue to cheer for people loudly but also ask for that action too, cause it’s hard when you’re out here alone…
…Specifically thinking about all the many times over the decades many folks have told me i’m their “secret” and they like to use and pass off my words and work as their own (👀 Prince blink to camera) which has always felt weird… painful actually, given the struggles i’ve had whilst they actually profited from me. there are many dynamics at play here but being a black woman who has grafted for years off road cause there wasn’t a path that accommodated, it adds a whole heap of insult, ya know? Do you feel me? Do you relate? I’m tyad. Many years of tyad and trying to heal from the part i played in this dynamic, let me list some off the top of my head:
when people compliment a thing i’ve made, be it a class workshop retreat podcast event dance party art installation radio show etc, i manically downplay the contribution of my graft, labour and magic, instead, deferring praise to other people who experienced or received the thing
- note, i still do believe this is a truth though, for example, any event is a collaboration, it wouldn’t be a “happening” if we weren’t sharing the space together - however my point is that i will shy away from accepting compliments or appreciation. I will do the equivalent of someone who wears a nice dress when they are told “your dress is nice” and rather than say, “thank you!” they make a screw face at the idea this old thing could be held with regard and proceed to list where they got it, “usually at that car boot sale in Kilburn 17 years ago and how cheap it was and that it wasn’t a special thing really but it does have pockets…”
…we love a good pocket though, don’t we? no shade because yes, that person is me, wait - this was supposed to be a list! let’s continue!i hide my work. all the dagnammit time! every day! numerous times a day! i am stealth! i am shy! what is beyond shy? a squirm? i’m that. i make it, the whole thing, then bury it. like a reverse prayer. i’m tired of this…
i’ve always say i hate writing bios when i think i hate owning the many things i do…that’s not true, i don’t hate owning them, i hate that i think i bore people by not having some slick elevator pitch to describe them. or having to semi apologise for being greedy with the worlds i’m trying to co-create in this lifetime. i hate that i downplay myself all the time. i shove myself out the way in order to hold up others, and i still want to hold up others, perhaps not hold up, more like join covid-save hands with them, or perhaps join energy, and rise together, without me stomping on myself. i know there are years of trauma i’m ever unpacking here and many many many times in this life even to present day where people have told me live and loud that they do not want me to exist…in many colourful different ways. and to those brutal blows, i squirm and apologetically cringe that i seem to be creating an inconvenience for them! imagine that dear reader! we talk about people-pleasing right, can we get a shoutout to the lifetime of work unlearning how to not shit on yourself - that’s an awful analogy! let’s rephrase: learning how to have your own back. Maya, i get it now. thank you.
That said, it’s always going to be the case that vampires will swoop in. My brilliant friend Jerico Mandybur and i had a mini exchange on that just yesterday so it feels alive this afternoon.
so… yeah. here we are. an unexpected reflection at a poignant time i guess.
ever-learning-unlearning-always
which brings me to this podcast episode:
This episode is for those of you struggling with the darkness of the winter months, who might be low on energy, motivation, struggling to keep up, or just generally have a case of the winter blues.
- For those of you who suspect its something more that the winter blues, I recommend you reach out for help to feel better. Head to your doctor, speak to a therapist. Reach out for help.
I’m not a therapist and this podcast isn’t a substitute for therapy.
In this episode I’m offering some tools and inspiration + practical ideas that are hopefully helpful in shifting your state.
This is a rebroadcast of episode 24 that I made a few winters ago, when I certainly needed to pep talk myself during the cold dark days. I hope it serves you to lift your spirits and to remind yourself of who that hell you are.
Find all links and resources mentioned below or head to the show transcript on my blog for more!
thank you for listening 💜 and if you are feeling this show, please share it with someone you care about. would really love to feel that fractal magic - a creative collaboration of care. And feel welcome to connect with me, leave me a voicemail! 🥪💦
Love,
Dionne xxx