I turn 40 this week so here’s a big update!

(First published as a Digest, February 2020)

Darling.

It’s been. A wild. Couple of months. Beyond what i’ve dared to dream. But also completely overwhelming. Exhausting. Spinning way too many plates. Inevitably dropping and watching helplessly as they crash to the ground. Battling difficult stuff internally, finding breakthroughs (Sharing below in case they help someone else) and all in all, a regular 2-month process of being a one-human-show, running my own businesses as a creative entrepreneur and trying not to mess up too much along the way.

There’s always a sacrifice, i think, as much as i stand by the idea that there are no mistakes, only learning. I think we are always being offered information that can help us or that we can ignore. Sorry for sounding like we’re in one of my movement workshops, but this is yoga off the mat, as well as on, right? It’s all connected. Nothing is separate.

Life is a ride.

I am constantly in awe, chuckling at its spirals, things that reoccur, reflections that i thought were nostalgia yet are very present. It’s a funny time.
I think it’s true that we can often get so swept up in the journey and forget to honour the moments in between.
Gosh this is sounding like a workshop again, eh?

Speaking of which….sidling in like a crab 🦀(ASK me about my crab impression by the way!) and giving you the promised-

a playlist for the road ✨

Update on where i've been and some things i’m up to:

One thing i really wanted to shift this year was to return to offering more irl events and space for connection. I had less of these last year (health, recovery, etc) but know how much it means to me to be out there in the world getting to spend time with you face to face, soaking up that magic space we create together, building community and remembering who we are. Seeing and holding space for each other.
The Forest (For-Rest) art installation Haugtussa was one of those things. My heart bursts with joy for it. And all that is coming. BIG TINGS!
I have been working behind the scenes on touring this project later in the year with Ketil. I’m so excited and there’s some upcoming events planned that i cannot wait to share with you that combine movement, stillness, music, writing and more! We have had confirmation of dream venues so far, really excited to create spaces with you!
We have also been working on the music release and accompanying community projects. Online and irl. More to come on this too!
I’m coming back to Bergen to run BLOOM spring workshops again this March! Yes! It’s official and you can get your tickets here from...now!
I’ll also be opening up the online BLOOM programme - this is the 7 week creative exploration and community project, open to everybody, wherever you are (details to come so soon, but if you are interested, hit reply to this mail so i can let you know as soon as it launches!)
I’m currently capping my 6 month creative coaching programme intake, but you can now hire me for short term creative coaching in my new offering here!
(this just went live - in case you were following my technical lols on instagram stories last week!) limited number of slots available for it but i will announce availability each month so you get first dibs as you’re my people!

What else…

Oh! A VR project of Haugtussa. That’s the mighty wild i can't even hope or dream this is even happening but it’s happening! We are building a team of producers, designers and tech folk! It’s wild and my heart is in my throat about it even typing it. But hey. Please send good energy our way!

And more besides...

So as you can imagine, i’m grafting and planting the seeds and manifesting my a$$ off and doing the work and praying and waiting and screaming with joy and disbelief yet - also living in a place where i don’t know what could happen or where i could possibly be day to day.

Back to dropping plates, an interlude:

i am trying to be patient and content with everything happening in perfect time. And telling myself that the last 2 months of 18 hour days are worth it, where seemingly there is nothing “outward” to see other than the failure of me “keeping up”.

...with people i care about some of whom subscribe to this list and other channels of communication,
...putting out the things i’ve been writing and making behind the scenes that i’m hoping will be tools that offer inspiration and ease into your world….
...with non-client emails i haven’t replied to since December

Hmm. a theme here…

Sometimes we are at capacity and we have to allow it to be what it is. Despite all the exciting things, i can't help but feel very aware of these plates i'm dropping, and it hurts my heart. I'm also aware of constantly feeling behind. Running up that hill with Kate. Struggling with keeping my head above water (too many analogies?!). Feeling like i'm failing.

Isn't it wild how we forget how much we are doing, no matter the "outward" or "inward" work?!

Nature is a reminder of that every day, let's take a little practice....

🌱🌿🌲🍃☘️✨

Nature chat and why it’s helpful for practicing trust 🌿

In winter there’s not necessarily much action going on above ground. Perhaps a little activity. But generally it’s the most dormant time of the year.

We might plant seeds if the ground allows. Hope for blooms in the spring and beyond.

But winter demands we pay attention to the signs, the dark days, the storms urging us to go inward, seek shelter and protection. Rest more. We are called to focus on the priorities. To let go of carrying extra stuff. Quite simply, because there is less energy available. And know that in time, we will cycle back to feeling more energised. That the sun and warmth returns to us. Trusting in these cycles.

Trust.

This is seemingly “simple” in task but requires focus, attention and action. Effort. In the time of year most dark, most exhausting….when perhaps we require more rest than ever…

have you reminded yourself of that lately?

Friends in the northern hemisphere, winter fatigue is real, yo! Darkness has an effect on how we feel, our environments, what we allow in, where we place ourselves….is this all somehow linking back to the spring flowers that emerge from those planted seeds?
I guess what i’m talking about here is process.

Allowing for process.

Time for things to happen.
Space for stuff to emerge.
Trust in giving space for things not having to be linear -
Wild belief in what you want to create
Graft in doing what you can to make it happen (but also knowing when enough is enough, reminding yourself You Are Enough as many times as required…)
Letting go of expectations when putting your stuff out there.
Trust in the process. Let’s think of another word for process….
Trust in things happening in the way they need to.
And you being ok, more than ok, whatever happens.

A case study in dropping plates + Caribbean dream update: 🏝

I was supposed to be in Grenada a couple of weeks ago.
In fact, i’m supposed to be there right now. 😩🏝
It was part of my dream of my 40th year

This is part of the reason behind my 18 hour workdays the last two months.... Setting up, grafting and creating the plans, projects and timeline for the rest of this year in order to try to make this dream happen. Telling myself this graft not forever, that a breakthrough is on the horizon….

For one birthday this adult lifetime, i wanted to get out of the cold dark days, away from it all, and into a homeland of sorts. Somewhere my bones didn’t click or joints ache or experience other symptoms from my autoimmune disorder that flare in the winter in the north ….

....Winter blues. Low energy. Grief and sadness. ...😔

Perhaps you know the drill?

I asked for a sign and a chance to work and share my projects there, and doors of opportunity swung open, so fast i can’t tell you. From asking for what i wanted to the offers appearing took less than 24hrs.

Careful what you wish for they say...

However, it meant getting my behind to the Caribbean within 2 weeks.

“I can do that!”, i thought.

“I just need to raise enough funds to cover costs of my rent in the uk so i could make it... “

i mean, there was already a rough plan and expectation of invoices being paid. It felt, ridiculous but doable. I’ve done a LOT of ridiculous things in my lifetime. Including moving countries with less notice than that...

But i didn’t foresee that invoices we expected for work booked till November wouldn't be paid still, to this day...

It meant i couldn't join and participate in my Caribbean dream (Billy Ocean, do you hear me?).

My friend in Grenada was also running a glorious retreat which i hoped we could make - honestly, the idea of someone else holding space for me on a retreat was almost too much to imagine. I’m so used to holding space for others and haven’t been on a retreat i wasn’t working on before, despite the fact running retreats is part of what i do….

Does this sound like a first world problem? Actually, i don’t care if it does, because if you know me, you know i’ve been trying to get back to the Caribbean for 26 years so… you know how much this means and how challenging it has been...some of you at least!

I felt ok-ish with not going last week and the week before that.
Which i think is also part of my trauma mechanism wired for worst case scenarios to be honest.
And not feeling deserving of nice things happening to me and if they do a gigantic guilt that coats me in shame (do you relate?)

If you do relate, you might find this episode of Longform interesting with Ashley C Ford a good one to listen to! Shoutout to the givers who find it hard to receive!

ANYWAY. a summary

All three opportunities for flights to Grenada over the last few weeks were a no-go.

I’m still doing what i can to still make it before the 22nd February.
My 40th birthday is on the 23rd February.

But you know what?
If it doesn't happen, it's ok. I guess.
I mean.
I know at some point i will get there.
Disappointing as something might be, deep down i'm trusting that something else needs my attention.
That I need to focus on planting a different seed.
Or something...

It could also be that sometimes life serves you curveballs that don’t feel brilliant but you can at least always find something to be grateful right?

So, how to get over disappointment? I mean, i made a podcast about that you can listen to here!

But lately, what has helped me in this space of not knowing day to day is:

Gratitude practices for difficult moments. 🌈

Specific examples:

Being in my body in ways that allow me to process stress. I.e. deep rest. Still.

Trying out being held by others instead of holding space for others all of the time.
...This one is hard, i can’t lie.

Even sharing this with you is hard.
I’m literally beating myself up after each keystroke.
But i’m writing anyway because what i know for sure is that what we struggle with, is not isolated.

I think we try to isolate ourselves in our suffering and struggles.
I mean, i know i do……… i’m pretty sure others do too.

We assume others won’t understand, or perhaps misinterpret us. Who can blame us? In a world where it’s clearer than ever you can be cancelled or misread due to lack of context. We must be mindful in what we do and say. Not due to receipts being accessible but because surely we care about it? Anyway i digress.

We are all dealing with difficult moments in our lives. Overcoming challenges. Out here surviving and trying to thrive the best we can.

Extra shoutout to Black, Queer, Disabled folks. Indigenous people. Folks living with difficult stuff. Illness. Invisible and visible. Anyone who is dealing with multiple oppressions in this world we live in.

We aren't alone.

I hope i can help you put some of the heavy stuff down awhile and find some space to feel more free...

Some thoughts on noticing 🦕

Another practice that has helped me over the years which i hope affirms or reminds you: to try to observe what’s going on for what it is, perhaps recognising patterns, helpful and unhelpful.

Here’s an example of mine from this week:

Witnessing these weeks that i can only do what i can do.
I also notice i isolate myself a lot. I’m used to doing everything independently, which i realise is in many ways liberating but it’s also really hard at times.
I notice i am exhausted but so programmed to survive i have to concentrate super hard on what i try to squeeze into each day.
I struggle to ask for help. I hate it. Hate is a strong word la la la. But i fight it. Which isn’t helpful, perhaps.
I am always making myself smaller for fear of taking up space and worrying whether i do enough and if my work is useful (enough). It’s exhausting.
I go above and beyond to give but am imbalanced receiving. I am so bad at receiving that i lean too far in the opposite direction, when people want to support me, i make it difficult. Run and hide and avoid sharing things that they could actually benefit from. This is in all areas of my work.
I work hard. Too much. And need to invite more rest and play. A day off, at the very least.

If i notice these kinds of things i’ve mentioned above in my clients, friends, loved ones, i am very quick to mightily encourage them to allow receiving, rest and nice things. To go above and beyond in letting them know they are deserving. I can also try to do this for myself.

So, for my 40th, a bit of balance is where i’m at. Going to practice what i’m noticing is out of balance and encourage you to do the same! why not.

….noticing.
It’s an interesting practice. I also notice that when i’m noticing i am quick to be harsh and mean towards myself. Attaching negative language and judgements to things i’m noticing. As opposed to just seeing them for what they are.

“Oh- that’s interesting!”,
for example, when noticing at 2am i’m editing a podcast.
“I wonder why i felt compelled to do that rather than go to bed..?”....
“Ahh, i’m anxious about my financial situation. I feel guilty that i’m not keeping all my plates spinning and letting people down. But those people aren’t asking me to stay up at 2am to do this. They understand this is something i do for them, because i want to offer tools and resources for free. I’m anxious and ashamed because i’ve had to work on bringing money in, which has meant i haven’t had time to do this editing in the daytime when i’ve had more energy to do it.
I’m only human.
I can’t do everything at maximum capacity for so long.
We are finite beings.
I encourage and create things for others to find more ease and feel better. This needs to apply to me, or i’ll burn out, again…”

Do you see what i mean about this practice of noticing?

It gets us to pay attention to the monologues and stories we often carry. Some of it unconscious. It also often shows us when we are attaching unnecessary tension to things. The pressure i feel when i don’t reply to an email (or many emails) when i want to. Imagining what people may or may not think.

A reminder on that, people will think, but you can’t control that. Best to not go down the road of trying to please everyone cause it’s destined for doom my loves. More encouragement and support for that here!

So i wonder if this example can help you out in noticing. I mean, i know it’s something i’ve spoken and written about a lot over the last 10 years. But i think it’s one of those helpful lifelong tools that can help us access more space, you know? What do you think?

So with that, after noticing, i’ve also realised a recurring pattern. Which has led me to feel i have to take action. However excruciating or embarrassed or uncomfortable i feel.

Let’s take this into part 3 of our practice:

A practice in asking for what you want and need 🥴

Shall we practice together?

Here it goes….Ok now i feel sick but..

If you’ve received any benefit from my work over the past 10 years, and want to, you can support my continued work and development and keep things chugging along.

I am planning a break whether near or far for my 40th birthday.
No work!
I am going to practice receiving something nice, whether that means a full day off work pleasure seeking at home or in Grenada.

If you feel like it, you can directly support my mission to serve others through spacemaking and creative explorations.

Ways you can support my work: ☕️

Word of mouth/click - share/forward/pass on free resources i’ve made with people you think might dig them. Word of mouth is my jam and a wonderful way to share the love and the things i make! i’m also really bad at doing this for myself you may have noticed. But hey, on the flipside, i’m good at doing it for others so…."balance" and all that!
Come to my BLOOM spring workshops if you’re in Bergen! I am ecstatic to see the names of those who have already booked! Book and join us here!
Go see our art installation Haugtussa if you’re near Bryne (on til March 1)
Hire me to dj, work 1+1 on your creative project/dream, run a creative workshop where you are or speak at an event you are running. Find my creative coaching offerings here, and my projects page here.
And, finally, (I AM SWEARING BECAUSE I AM UNCOMFORTABLE BUT KETIL IS URGING ME TO SHARE THIS) :::::::
If you’ve received any value from my work over the last 10 years, you can also support this newsletter-zine-digest, my podcast, videos and other free resources by joining my Patreon.
I'm trialing this container for my close community, so If you feel like joining me and supporting my bigger vision and journey, you can donate and get access to everything i’m making, support the majority of my work being free and accessible, plus get behind the scenes stuff.
Join me here::::: or if you would prefer to send a one-off donation, you can do so here.
*screams into the ether....*

That was hard but also, i think, helpful. For me to not hide. For you to see how you can get more from me and support my work and help build this community.
An exchange of energy if you will.

So, over to you!

Did you try it? Practice asking for what you want?
Anything i can help you with?
You know what to do! (get in touch, obviously!)
Pass it on!
The more we get clear with the stuff we need help with, the more free we become.
What do you think?

Thank you for getting this far…..
I love you and hope to see you somewhere on the internet or irl soon!

Dionne x

Stuck with a creative project? 😩
Or what to focus on?! 🥴
Let me help you out of a rut! 💁🏽‍♀️✨

Your online collaborative creative coach (or “wizard”, if you like! 🧙🏽‍♀️)
At your service!

Together we can brainstorm ideas ⚡️
Create maps 🗺
Find clarity 🔮
Build an action plan 🛠
Problem solve 🧩
Solution hunt ✅
Dig into the bigger picture and tiny details🕵️‍♀️

So you can be on your way 🎟
and feel more inspired 🌱
more easeful 🐛
more centred ⛳️
more clear 👓
and more connected to 🤝
the joy of creativity! 🎨🥁🖌🤹‍♂️🧵🌈🖍

Work with me 1+1!

I turn 40 this week so here’s a big update!

a playlist for the road ✨

Some thoughts on noticing 🦕

Stuck with a creative project? 😩Or what to focus on?! 🥴Let me help you out of a rut! 💁🏽‍♀️✨

Your online collaborative creative coach (or “wizard”, if you like! 🧙🏽‍♀️) At your service!

Stuck with a creative project? 😩
Or what to focus on?! 🥴
Let me help you out of a rut! 💁🏽‍♀️✨

Your online collaborative creative coach (or “wizard”, if you like! 🧙🏽‍♀️)
At your service!